My Cancer Journey

Co-founder Steve Otten shares his testimony of how God used his cancer journey as a process of purification and how he is grateful to God because it drew him closer to Him. 

It was as early as late March 2023 that I saw the first signs that something wasn’t right. However, the words of my father growing up kept coming into my mind. Anytime anyone in the household was sick, he would always say “It’s all in your head”. Even without realizing it, this way of thinking influenced my mind set in many areas of my life; I could be the one in control of my life, my “making my way in this world” was dependent on my efforts and my skills, and if I could do the right things and even think positively enough, I would avoid letting physical sickness interfere with living. Being faced with cancer changed all that. Following my colonoscopy, the reality of the tumor being there hit me. I couldn’t ignore it and make it go away.

Fear of dying was never a burden to me. I remember having that conversation with God that if this was the end of this part of my journey, I felt assured that the future promise of heaven was not something to be afraid of. It was shortly after that; I was reading about King Hezekiah in the book of 2 Kings chapter 20 where God promises to extend his life. I believe God was telling me my journey would not end in death, it would be a journey of revealing, refining, and restoration.

Ezekiel’s Vision (Ezekiel 8:7-12)
Then he brought me to the entrance to the court. I looked, and I saw a hole in the wall. He said to me, “Son of man, now dig into the wall.” So, I dug into the wall and saw a doorway there. And he said to me, “Go in and see the wicked and detestable things they are doing here.” So, I went in and looked, and I saw portrayed all over the walls all kinds of crawling things and unclean animals and all the idols of Israel. In front of them stood seventy elders of Israel, and Jaazaniah son of Shaphan was standing among them. Each had a censer in his hand, and a fragrant cloud of incense was rising. He said to me, “Son of man, have you seen what the elders of Israel are doing in the darkness, each at the shrine of his own idol? They say, ‘The Lord does not see us; the Lord has forsaken the land.’”

God brought me to this passage early in the journey. When I read it, the Holy Spirit revealed that this would be significant to my journey. God would reveal the “hidden idols” in this temple (aka me) (I Cor. 6:19). The idols of Ezekiel’s time were objects that the people would turn to for deliverance from their troubles. What were the things I was turning to when I felt fear or anxiety? Who was I depending on for deliverance from my troubles? Ezekiel had to dig through the wall. It was not obvious on the outside, all looked good. The idolatry was hidden deep inside in darkness. This journey would require “digging through walls”, walls that I had built, to expose things that were hidden deep inside.

As I look back on my life, I can recall so many times when the small troubles of life (i.e. leaky water pipes, car issues, financial shortfalls, etc.) would cause anxiety and anger to rise within me to the point where I would make my misery affect all those around me. When I reflect on those times, I’ve come to realize that I was carrying all the burden and responsibility to be the provider and problem solver. This cancer journey has taught me that I don’t need to carry all the burden and responsibility for things I cannot control or solve. I have a Father and Savior to help me and no matter how things turn out, I can trust Him.

The Testing of My Faith
One of the worst side effects of the Chemotherapy was that I would get spasms in my esophagus. What would start a day or two following a treatment as non-stop hiccups would progressively get worse to the point where I have these convulsive spasms in my esophagus where I couldn’t get my breath. These would last for up to a week or more at a time. This became a big challenge to my faith. It seemed that regardless of how much prayer I received or did, God did not take them away. We as Christians always hope for the supernatural healing. We’ve come to believe that if God really loves us, he will come to our rescue and relieve our discomfort. But maybe God’s love goes beyond our physical comfort. I recently read the story of Jesus raising of Lazarus from the dead. Something that hit me was when Jesus told them to open the tomb and Mary said, “he’s been dead for 3 days, surely he stinks”. When I read this, it hit me that this guy was dead beyond just getting his heart beating again, beyond a little CPR. Cells throughout his body were dead and decay had begun. This is the power of resurrection, in an instant, all that was dead came alive again. Physical miracles are pretty simple for God, the hard task is getting peoples hearts to change.

Another test of my faith was related to the ostomy bag. From the beginning, I was aware that having one was a possibility. We prayed often that this would not be the case and that surgery to remove the tumor would be all that was needed. After waking up in post-surgery, I realized that the surgeon had to perform an ileostomy. Although typically a reversal procedure can be done 8 weeks after resection surgery, due to the surgeon’s schedule, I had to wait 2 months. Waiting is hard, especially in difficult circumstances. But I believe this was because God was not done teaching me and revealing things within myself that needed to go. God’s grace got me through it. It turned out that my fears were greater than reality (as fear usually is), and I learned to manage life with the bag.

Scorpion Dream
Early in the journey I had a dream. In the dream I was working on this old, dilapidated house using a staple hammer to attach insulation to joists. Suddenly a scorpion appeared crawling along a joist. Instantly I smashed it and killed it with the tool. Next thing a saw was a scorpion crawling on me. I distinctly remember not feeling any fear and simply brushed it off. Then I heard a voice saying “Step on it” so I did. After discussing the dream with my wife, we came to believe that it was from God. We believe that scorpions represented the cancer and that it would be partially cured with medical procedures such as chemo and surgery (the tool). The second scorpions demise represented my taking action, stepping out in faith.

We believe this was fulfilled. I went through 7 sessions of the prescribed 12 when the oncologist and surgeon decided I was a good candidate to proceed with surgery to remove the tumor. Surgery went very well and the pathology results indicated no cancer in the adjoining lymph nodes. For post-surgery follow up, we met with the surgeon first. Although he mentioned that the Cancer board had discussed my case and was recommending continuing with chemo, he indicated that with the positive pathology results we should consider weighing whether the negative effects of chemo was worth the cost. We left that meeting with the feeling that we were done with chemo and only had the reversal surgery ahead of us.

The following meeting with the oncologist was a bit different. Although we were expecting him to have a similar attitude as the surgeon, we soon discovered that he was pretty adamant about finishing the chemo. This would mean five more sessions. We left that meeting in a state of confusion and uncertainty. We had a week to give him an answer. The following week was a week prayer and seeking and listening for God’s voice. We both had to hear the same thing. I must confess that I would not have been successful at listening to God if it was not for my wife. One quality that has always impressed me about her was her gift to connect with God and the spiritual kingdom. I tend to be the opposite and lean on logic and reasoning of the mind (which is sometimes corrupted). Through this whole journey, no one has fought harder for me then my wife and for that I say, “thank-you”. One thing I learned during this week is that God’s voice doesn’t contradict logic and reason, although it may contradict distorted logic and reason. By the end of the week, we were both confident that God was telling us that I was cancer free. That was the big step in faith and trust for me.

In our life’s journey we will face difficulties. We often expect God to be the hero of our story, and we think the hero is the one who rides in at the end of the movie and saves us. But through this journey, I’ve come to believe that God’s true desire is to truly save me, the thing deep within in that makes me, me, the “heart”, the “soul”. To break down the walls I’ve built up around my heart. The impenetrable walls that create a separation between me and those around me and a separation between me and my God. I’ve come to realize that my idol was myself. Living in a self-centered world with walls around me that looked good and holy to the observer from the outside. But it’s what’s on the inside that God wants to commune with and it’s what our love ones want to commune with.

We don’t like pain and sorrow, and we tend to avoid it at all costs. Through this cancer journey I’ve come to believe that difficult trials in life can provide an opportunity of growing and learning about ourselves. Learning about the things deep within ourselves that need to change to make our lives more fulfilled. I don’t believe that the cancer was from God, but I do believe that even “weapons formed against us” can become something for our prosperity.
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“I prayed, tears on my face, I asked for You to do what only You could do. I waited day after day, but nothing seemed to change. Then there came the day when all I wanted fell apart, but it fell in Your hands. Maybe the miracle is not what I asked You for. Maybe my deepest pain deepens me to know You more. God, in my brokenness You were my faithful friend. And now I see that may be the miracle. You and I don’t always see eye to eye. We make such different plans. In time I understand Your thoughts are higher, Your ways are wiser. And I know I am not forsaken.”

Song: Maybe The Miracle by Lizzie Morgan

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